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British people are having less sex than in previous years, with scientists blaming the decline on the internet and the ”busyness” of modern life.
According to new data, fewer than half of Britons have sex at least once a week, and rates are dwindling.
The steepest declines were among people over the age of 25 and those who were married or living together, said researchers from the London School of Hygiene and Tropical Medicine .
They analysed data for more than 34,000 men and women aged 16 to 44 who completed the National Survey of Sexual Attitudes and Lifestyles in 1991 (Natsal-1), 2001 (Natsal-2) and 2012 (Natsal-3).
The data showed a general decline in sexual activity in Britain between 2001 and 2012, with the steepest declines among the over-25s and those who were married or living together.
Love and sex news: in picturesShow all 31 1 /31Love and sex news: in pictures Love and sex news: in pictures What makes a perfect penis? Scientists have now answered one of these great unknowns. According to a new study, “general cosmetic appearance” is the most important penile aspect when it comes to what women value down there. This is swiftly followed by the appearance of pubic hair, penile skin, and girth. Length comes in at number six, with the look of the scrotum trailing closely behind. The least important facet of the phallus, say the scientists, is the “position and shape of meatus”, the vertical slit at the opening of the urethra.
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Love and sex news: in pictures Half of divorcees had doubts on their wedding day Over half of divorcees considered abandoning their husband or wife-to-be at the altar on their wedding day, a new study has revealed. On top of likely worrying about wedding favours and making sure guests behave on their big day, 49 per cent of divorcees admitted they were unsure before the ceremony that their marriage would last. Some 15 per cent of divorcees polled said they were so wracked with doubt that they felt physically sick in the run up to their wedding.
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Love and sex news: in pictures Students who marry after studying the same subject Picking a university subject is already difficult enough for young people. But here’s an extra piece of data to weigh on your decision: you may be picking a life partner as well. Dan Kopf of the blog, Priceonomics, analysed US Census data and found that the percentage of Americans who marry someone within their own major is actually fairly high. About half of Americans are married, according to the 2012 American Community Survey (part of the Census). And about 28 per cent of married couples over the age of 22 both graduated from college. (The survey didn’t recognise same-sex marriages for the 2012 data, but it will for 2013 onwards, says Kopf).
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Love and sex news: in pictures How much sex we have (and how much we'd like) As a nation, we don’t have as much sex as we would like, a survey has (somewhat unsurprisingly) confirmed. In a poll of 1523 people by YouGov, 64 per cent of Britons said they would wish to have sex at least a few times a month. The same sample said that only 38 per cent had sex at least a few times a month. In addition, 10 per cent said they wished to have sex every day, a goal which only 1 per cent admitted reaching.
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Love and sex news: in pictures The new female condom Picture an internal condom. The chances are you’re thinking of something which resembles a carrier bag. However, this could all be about to change with the new VA w.o.w. Condom Feminine. Not only is it a wireless, Bluetooth enabled, vibrating interactive device, which comes available in the shape of a heart, but the manufacturers think you’ll love it more than not using a condom at all.
Love and sex news: in pictures One in five Brits admit to having had an affair One in five British adults admits they have had an affair, according to a new poll. 20 per cent of male respondents and 19 per cent of female respondents admitted to having had an affair in a new poll of 1660 respondents by YouGov.
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Love and sex news: in pictures The UK's favourite sex position Casting aside the myth that Brits are a prudish bunch, a new survey has revealed that doggy style is the nation’s favourite sex position. As many as a quarter of UK adults surveyed said doggy style was their favourite way to indulge with a partner. Missionary, which is sometimes scoffed at the most boring position, was favoured by a fifth of the 1,000 people surveyed by high street sex shop Ann Summers, seeing it come in as third under "woman on top".
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Love and sex news: in pictures Who's most likely to cheat? Men and women who are economically dependent on their spouses are more likely to cheat, a new study has revealed. Researchers have found that men who are solely financially dependent are more like to cheat than women, at 15 per cent and 5 per cent respectively. Men who are rely on their wives may cheat because they are undergoing a “masculinity threat” by not being the primary breadwinner as is culturally expected, said study author Christin L. Munsch, a UConn assistant professor of sociology.
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Love and sex news: in pictures Jailed for loud sex noises A woman who breached a court order barring her from causing nuisance by making "loud sex noises" was sent to jail. Gemma Wale, of Small Heath, Birmingham, was given a two-week prison sentence after a civil court judge concluded that she had breached the order by "screaming and shouting whilst having sex" at a "level of noise" which annoyed a neighbour.
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Love and sex news: in pictures Photo of wedding guest proposing to girlfriend in front of bride and groom goes viral When the staggering amount time, money, and effort that goes into to planning a wedding is considered, it seems pretty obvious that all guests have is to do is turn up with some gifts, and not upstage the couple. But this fact seems to have escaped one man, whose grinning face has gone viral after he decided to propose to his girlfriend in front of the bride and groom’s top table. The photo, which has been viewed over 1.4 million times on Reddit, shows a boyfriend perched on one knee in front of his crying girlfriend.
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Love and sex news: in pictures Sexual fantasies The results of a sex survey are busting the myth that Britons are sexually repressed, by revealing how the majority of women have lived out their sexual fantasies. As many as 81 per cent of women and 77 per cent of men have shared and acted out fantasies with a partner – with having sex in public topping the list of turn-ons. The study also laid bare the influence of TV and film on our desires, with three-quarters of couples saying they had inspired them. Meanwhile, a further three quarters of women and over half of men have played out a fantasy they’d found in a book.
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Love and sex news: in pictures The world's sexiest nationalities Irish men are the world’s sexiest, according to a survey of thousands of jet-setting women. In a poll of 66,000 of single American women who use MissTravel.com, as many as 8,000 said that Irish men are the sexiest. Around half of the females who took said they were turned on by Irish men said their accent influenced their choice, according to the Irish Times.
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Love and sex news: in pictures More sex = happiness? Couples were asked to double the amount of sex they had each week over a three month period by researchers at the Carnegie Mellon University, who compared them to couples who had their normal amount of sex. Their findings, published in the Journal of Economic Behavior, went against advice given by the average self-help book – having more sex doesn’t automatically make a person happier. Instead, couples who were instructed to have more sex reported a decrease in happiness levels.
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Love and sex news: in pictures Most sexually satisfied countries It is often considered the most amorous nation on the planet, but France doesn't even feature in a new list of the most sexually satisfied countries. According to a Durex global survey of 26,000 people, aged 16 and older, across 26 countries, only 44 per cent of people are fully satisfied with their sex lives. In the wake of these results, AlterNet has compiled a list of the 12 most sexually satisfied countries, with Switzerland, Spain and Italy topping the list.
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Love and sex news: in pictures Sex o'clock They say women are from Venus and men are from Mars – but a new sex survey suggests that members of the opposite sex seem to operate in different time zones too. While women like to get steamy between 11:21pm on average, men are more likely to be turned on at the rather inconvenient time of 7:54am. These times fall into the broader timeslots of 11pm and 2am for women, and 6am and 9am for men.
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Love and sex news: in pictures More sex = more money People who have more sex are likely to earn more, new research claims. The research, partly conducted from the responses of 7,500 people, found employees who have sex two or three times a week earn 4.5 per cent more than colleagues who do not.
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Love and sex news: in pictures The effects of watching porn Contrary to suggestion that porn desensitises viewers to sex, a study has found that it doesn't "negatively impact sexual functioning" and in fact boosts couples' sexual attraction to one another. In research published in the Journal of Sexual Medicine, scientists at the University of California tested the effects of visual sexual stimuli on men in relationships, finding that it "is unlikely to negatively impact sexual functioning, given that responses actually were stronger in those who viewed more VSS."
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Love and sex news: in pictures 'I have herpes' A woman diagnosed with herpes at the age of 20 has written an emotional essay about living with the common condition to fight the stigma surrounding it. Ella Dawson, now 22, said she had never had unprotected sex and thought she “wasn't the sort of person STDs happened to” when the symptoms first appeared during her time at university in the US. She wrote that the diagnosis initially felt like a “punishment” for her values and relationships and worried her that telling boyfriends would ruin her love life.
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Love and sex news: in pictures More sleep, better sex A new study could have a simple answer to enhancing your sex life – just get a good night’s sleep (if you are a woman at least). A study conducted by a team at the University of Michigan Sleep and Circadian Research Laboratory found women who get an extra hour of sleep at night reported higher levels of sexual desire and were more likely to have sex with their partners.
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Love and sex news: in pictures Swipe right A woman has detailed her experiences of a week of always swiping right on Tinder. By “opening the floodgates,” as Ms Caster describes it, she receives scores of messages from different men – and not all are terrible.
Love and sex news: in pictures The most adulterous town in the UK Ever wondered what the neighbours are up to? Well if you live in Beeston, Nottinghamshire, then the answer is probably... having an affair. The bustling East Midlands town has been granted the dubious honour of being the UK's top spot for infidelity – with a total of 941 affairs reportedly taking place right now. According to The Official Infidelity Index 2015, which was released this week, 2.54 per cent of the town’s population are currently seeing someone they shouldn't.
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Love and sex news: in pictures Average penis size revealed Scientists have measured more than 15,000 men’s penises in an effort to find out what size is “normal”. Researchers at King’s College London and a London NHS trust said they hoped the review would help address “the concern that some men have about their penis size” and aid people suffering from anxiety and distress. They revealed that the average flaccid penis is 3.6ins (9.16cm) long, or 5.2ins (13.24cm) when stretched, and 3.7ins (9.31cm) in circumference. Erect penises are 5.1ins (13.12cm) long on average and 4.5ins (11.66cm) in girth.
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Love and sex news: in pictures One true love Men fall in love more times in their life than women, according to a new survey. 2,000 adults were asked about relationships, and discovered that more than half of men say they've loved more than one person their lifetime. For women, it's markedly fewer, with only 45 per cent saying they've had multiple loves.
Love and sex news: in pictures Dating site for 'beautiful people only' A self-proclaimed “elite” dating website has removed around 3,000 members because they were "letting themselves go". BeautifulPeople.com describes itself as the “largest internet dating community exclusively for the beautiful” and puts people’s photographs to a members’ vote to decide if they are allowed in. But administrators have now shown that the rigorous 48-hour selection period is not a permanent pass by taking thousands of profiles down, mainly because of weight gain and “graceless ageing”.
Love and sex news: in pictures Sex is a 'miracle cure' Regular exercise – including sex, walking and dancing – are “miracle cures staring us in the face” and could dramatically cut our risk of cancer, dementia, heart disease and diabetes, leading doctors have said. In a new review of existing evidence which reveals the full extent of benefits that can be accrued from exercise, the Academy of Medical Royal Colleges said the improvement in health and savings to the NHS could be “incalculable”.
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Love and sex news: in pictures Pornhub searches by age of user Pornhubs prolific Insights blog fires out many reports of sociological interest, none more so than its latest on age, which lays bare different age groups' sexual proclivities. Looking at the most popular searches among 18-24s, there are several familial terms including 'step mom', 'milf', 'mom' and 'step sister', a trend that seems to die out somewhat in users' 30s. By 65, 'massage' becomes the top term, while 'granny' perhaps unsurprisingly also hits the top ten.
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Love and sex news: in pictures Mature sex Research into the sexual lives of more than 7,000 men and women between the ages of 50 and 90 in England reveals that half of men and almost a third of women aged 70 and over were still sexually active, with around a third of these sexually active older people having sexual intercourse twice a month or more. Around two-thirds of men and over half of women thought “good sexual relations were essential to the maintenance of a long-term relationship” or “being sexually active was physically and psychologically beneficial to older people”.
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Love and sex news: in pictures The secret to an eighty year marriage Figures from the Office of National Statistics show that 42 per cent of marriages in England and Wales end in divorce, and the average British marriage which ends in divorce lasts 11 years and six months. Helen and Maurice Kaye, now aged 101 and 102, have been married for 80 years, and say the secret is: “I think it’s important to have patience and tolerance. You're two entirely different people who suddenly live together, which can't be easy. But if you love each other, you get over the difficulties.”
Love and sex news: in pictures Valentine's Day porn Pornhub saw a (slight) drop in traffic on Valentine's Day as people focused on pleasuring their partners rather than themselves. Everywhere, it is, except for London. Overall UK traffic dipped 3 per cent across the UK, with Plymouth and Oxford seeing the biggest drops of 11 per cent and 10 per cent respectively. In fact every major city spent less time watching porn bar London, the Pornhub audience for which grew by 2 per cent.
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Love and sex news: in pictures 1 in 10 men paying for sex A tenth of British men have admitted to paying for sex, according to a new study. Professionals aged 25 to 34 who binge drink and take drugs were found to be the most likely to have used the services of prostitutes, based on findings from a study of 6,108 men. Around 11 per cent of subjects, in the study published in the Sexually Transmitted Infections journal, have ever paid for sex in their lifetime and four per cent admitted to doing so in the last five years.
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Love and sex news: in pictures Questions that determine if you're in love The existence of love and its nature is something that has troubled philosophers for centuries, but a pair of scientists believe they have a set of questions that yield "clear empirical evidence" of it, or at least whether your relationship will end in divorce. They are: 'How happy are you in your marriage relative to how happy you would be if you weren't in the marriage?' and 'How do you think your spouse answered that question?'
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Overall, the proportion reporting no sex in the past month fell between the first and second surveys (from 28.5 per cent to 23 per cent in women and from 30.9 per cent to 26 per cent in men) but increased significantly in the final 2012 survey (to 29.3 per cent in women and 29.2 per cent in men).
The proportion reporting sex 10 times or more in the past month increased between the first two surveys (from 18.4 per cent to 20.6 per cent in women and from 19.9 per cent to 20.2 per cent in men), but fell in the final survey to 13.2 per cent in woman and 14.4 per cent in men.
Overall, 41 per cent of men and women had sex once a week or more in the last month, the most recent survey showed.
Writing in the British Medical Journal (BMJ), the authors said: “Our data show that sexual frequency fell in Britain between Natsal-2 and Natsal-3.
“The most recent Natsal data show that fewer than half of men and women aged 16 to 44 have sex at least once a week.
'100 Vaginas': Channel 4 releases powerful documentary on womanhood, sex and sexuality “Those aged under 25 years and those currently single are less likely to be sexually active, but we saw the steepest declines in sexual frequency in those aged 25 and over and those married or cohabiting.
“At the same time, the proportion of men and women saying that they would prefer more frequent sex increased.”
Men and women in better physical and mental health had sex more frequently, as did those who were fully employed and those with higher earnings.
The three surveys asked people about vaginal, anal or oral sex with opposite or same-sex partners.
The researchers noted that the average number of times that 35 to 44-year-olds reported having sex in the past month fell from four to two among women and from four to three among men.
In this age group, the odds of reporting sex 10 or more times in the past month halved.
Meanwhile, in the first survey, 13.2 per cent of women who were married or living together said they had no sex in the last month, dropping to 9.2 per cent in the second survey but rising to 15.1 per cent in the final survey.
The 23 best / worst Bad Sex in Fiction award winnersShow all 23 1 /23The 23 best / worst Bad Sex in Fiction award winners The 23 best / worst Bad Sex in Fiction award winners 1. The Office of Gardens and Ponds by Didier Decoin Katsuro moaned as a bulge formed beneath the material of his kimono, a bulge that Miyuki seized, kneaded, massaged, squashed and crushed. With the fondling, Katsuro’s penis and testicles became one single mound that rolled around beneath the grip of her hand. Miyuki felt as though she was manipulating a small monkey that was curling up its paws.
The 23 best / worst Bad Sex in Fiction award winners 2. Pax by John Harvey She was burning hot and the heat was in him. He looked down on her perfect black slenderness. Her eyes were ravenous. Like his own they were fire and desire. More than torrid, more than tropical: they too were riding the Equator. They embraced as if with violent holding they could weld the two of them one
The 23 best / worst Bad Sex in Fiction award winners 3. Katerina by James Frey I’m hard and deep inside her fucking her on the bathroom sink her tight little black dress still on her thong on the floor my pants at my knees our eyes locked, our hearts and souls and bodies locked.Cum inside me. Cum inside me. Cum inside me. Blinding breathless shaking overwhelming exploding white God I cum inside her my cock throbbing we’re both moaning eyes hearts souls bodies one. One. White. God. Cum. Cum. Cum. I close my eyes let out my breath. Cum. I lean against her both breathing hard I’m still inside her smiling. She takes my hands lifts them and places them around her body, she puts her arms around me, we stay still and breathe, hard inside her, tight and warm and wet around me, we breathe. She gently pushes me away, we look into each other’s eyes, she smiles.
The 23 best / worst Bad Sex in Fiction award winners 4. The Destroyers by Christopher Bollen (2017) She covers her breasts with her swimsuit. The rest of her remains so delectably exposed. The skin along her arms and shoulders are different shades of tan like water stains in a bathtub. Her face and vagina are competing for my attention, so I glance down at the billiard rack of my penis and testicles.
The 23 best / worst Bad Sex in Fiction award winners 5. Men Like Air by Tom Connolly (2016) The walkway to the terminal was all carpet, no oxygen. Dilly bundled Finn into the first restroom on offer, locked the cubicle door and pulled at his leather belt. “You’re beautiful,” she told him, going down on to her haunches and unzipping him. He watched her passport rise gradually out of the back pocket of her jeans in time with the rhythmic bobbing of her buttocks as she sucked him. He arched over her back and took hold of the passport before it landed on the pimpled floor. Despite the immediate circumstances, human nature obliged him to take a look at her passport photo.
The 23 best / worst Bad Sex in Fiction award winners 6. The Day Before Happiness by Erri De Luca (2016) She pushed on my hips, an order that thrust me in. I entered her. Not only my prick, but the whole of me entered her, into her guts, into her darkness, eyes wide open, seeing nothing. My whole body had gone inside her. I went in with her thrusts and stayed still. While I got used to the quiet and the pulsing of my blood in my ears and nose, she pushed me out a little, then in again. She did it again and again, holding me with force and moving me to the rhythm of the surf. She wiggled her breasts beneath my hands and intensified the pushing. I went in up to my groin and came out almost entirely. My body was her gearstick.
The 23 best / worst Bad Sex in Fiction award winners 7. List of the Lost by Morrissey (2015) At this, Eliza and Ezra rolled together into the one giggling snowball of full-figured copulation, screaming and shouting as they playfully bit and pulled at each other in a dangerous and clamorous rollercoaster coil of sexually violent rotation with Eliza’s breasts barrel-rolled across Ezra’s howling mouth and the pained frenzy of his bulbous salutation extenuating his excitement as it whacked and smacked its way into every muscle of Eliza’s body except for the otherwise central zone.
The 23 best / worst Bad Sex in Fiction award winners 8. Infrared by Nancy Huston (2012) In a delirium of restrained desire, I weigh, stroke and lick Kamal's balls, then take his penis in my hands, between my breasts, into my mouth. He sits up, reaches for me and I allow him to explore me in turn. He runs his tongue and lips over my breasts, the back of my neck, my toes, my stomach, the countless treasures between my legs, oh the sheer ecstasy of lips and tongues on genitals, either simultaneously or in alternation, never will I tire of that silvery fluidity, my sex swimming in joy like a fish in water, my self freed of both self and other, the quivering sensation, the carnal pink palpitation that detaches you from all colour and all flesh, making you see only stars, constellations, milky ways, propelling you bodiless and soulless into undulating space where the undulating skies make your non-body undulate.
The 23 best / worst Bad Sex in Fiction award winners 9. Ed King by David Guterson (2011) He freed himself from her nipple after a long attachment so as to kiss her on the mouth at length – as if seeking to set the world record for kiss duration – and she smelled her breast on his breath, which was otherwise piquant with saliva, a little tart, a little bitter, and humid with the churning underworld – the raw metabolism and generative heat – beneath the flawless exterior. Jim Long's odor had been a little like Naugahyde, and his mouth, lips, and tongue had often tasted metallic (or, just as often, steeped in vermouth), whereas Ed smelled vulnerably digestive, warm-blooded, moist, and, just now, breast-fed.
The 23 best / worst Bad Sex in Fiction award winners 10. 11.22.63 by Stephen King (2011) She said, “Don't make me wait, I've had enough of that,” and so I kissed the sweaty hollow of her temple and moved my hips forward ... She gasped, retreated a little, then raised her hips to meet me. “Sadie? All right?” “Ohmygodyes,” she said and I laughed. She opened her eyes and looked up at me with curiosity and hopefulness. “Is it over, or is there more?” “A little more,” I said. “I don't know how much. I haven't been with a woman in a long time.” It turned out there was quite a bit more … At the end she began to gasp. “Oh dear, oh my dear, oh my dear dear God, oh sugar!”
The 23 best / worst Bad Sex in Fiction award winners 11. The Shape of Her by Rowan Somerville (2010) The triangle of pubic hair, blond, a thin line bunched darkly, like desert vegetation following an underground stream. He placed his hand on the concave stretch that was her belly, letting two fingers rest in the yawn of her navel. He slipped downwards, grazing the tight skin of her waist with his fingertips. He reached her hair line and the muscles of her belly hardened as she raised herself up onto her elbows. She stayed his hand and drew him, yanked him, into a smothering kiss. She released his hair from her fingers and twisted onto her belly like a fish flipping itself, her movement so brusque his chin bounced off her head... The wet friction of her, tight around him, the sight of her open, stretched around him, the cleft of her body, it tore a climax out of him with a final lunge. Like a lepidopterist mounting a tough-skinned insect with a too blunt pin he screwed himself into her.
The 23 best / worst Bad Sex in Fiction award winners 12. The Death of Bunny Munro by Nick Cave (2009) He slips his hands under her cotton vest and her body spasms and slackens and he cups her small, cold breasts in his hands and feels the hard pearls of her nipples, like tiny secrets, against the barked palms of his hands. He feels the gradual winding down of her dying heart and can see a bluish tinge blossoming on the skin of her skull through her thin, ironed hair. “'Oh, my dear Avril,' he says. He puts his hands under her knees and manoeuvres her carefully so that her bottom rests on the edge of the settee. He slips his fingers underneath the worn elastic of her panties that are strung across the points of her hips, slips them to her ankles and softly draws apart her knees and feels again a watery ardour in his eyes as he negotiates a button and a zipper. It is exactly as he imagined it – the hair, the lips, the hole – and he slips his hands under her wasted buttocks and enters her like a fucking pile driver.
The 23 best / worst Bad Sex in Fiction award winners 13. The Humbling by Philip Roth (2009) First Pegeen stepped into the contraption, adjusted and secured the leather straps, and affixed the dildo so that it jutted straight out. Then she crouched above Tracy, brushing Tracy's lips and nipples with her mouth and fondling her breasts, and then she slid down a ways and gently penetrated Tracy with the dildo. Pegeen did not have to force her open... The green cock plunged in and out of the abundant naked body sprawled beneath it, slow at first, then faster and harder, then harder still, and all of Tracy's curves and hollows moved in unison with it. This was not soft porn. This was no longer two unclothed women caressing and kissing on a bed. There was something primitive about it now, this woman-on-woman violence, as though, in the room filled with shadows, Pegeen were a magical composite of shaman, acrobat, and animal. It was as if she were wearing a mask on her genitals, a weird totem mask, that made her into what she was not and was not supposed to be.
The 23 best / worst Bad Sex in Fiction award winners 14. Will by Christopher Rush (2007) O glorious pubes! The ultimate triangle, whose angles delve to hell but point to paradise. Let me sing the black banner, the blackbird's wing, the chink, the cleft, the keyhole in the door. The fig, the fanny, the cranny, the quim - I'd come close to it now, this sudden blush, this ancient avenue, the end of all odysseys and epic aim of life, pulling at my prick now, pulling like a lodestone. Anne Hathaway's cow-milking fingers, cradling my balls in her almond palm, now took pity on the poor anguished erection, and in the infinite agony of her desire, guided it to the quick of the wound. At the same time I searched wildly with the fingers of my left hand, groping blind as Cyclops, found the pulpy furred wetness, parted the old lips of time and slipped my middle finger into the sancta sanctorum. It welcomed me with soft sucking sounds, syllables older than language, solace lovelier than words.
The 23 best / worst Bad Sex in Fiction award winners 15. The Castle in the Forest by Norman Mailer (2007) Klara turned head to foot, and put her most unmentionable part down on his hard-breathing nose and mouth, and took his old battering ram into her lips. Uncle was now as soft as a coil of excrement. She sucked on him nonetheless with an avidity that could come only from the Evil One - that she knew. From there, the impulse had come. So now they both had their heads at the wrong end, and the Evil One was there. He had never been so close before. The Hound began to come to life. Right in her mouth. It surprised her. Alois had been so limp. But now he was a man again! His mouth lathered with her sap, he turned around and embraced her face with all the passion of his own lips and face, ready at last to grind into her with the Hound, drive it into her piety.
The 23 best / worst Bad Sex in Fiction award winners 16. Black Swan Green by David Mitchell (2006) If Dawn Madden's breasts were a pair of Danishes, Debby Crombie's got two Space Hoppers. Each armed with a gribbly nipple. Tom Yew kissed them in turn and his saliva glistened in the April sun. I know watching was wrong but I couldn't not. Tom Yew slipped off her red panties and stroked the cressy hair there... Tom Yew got on her and sort of jiggled there and she gasped like he was giving her a Chinese burn and wrapped her legs round him, froggily. Now he moved up and down, Man-from Atlantisly. His silver chain jiggled on his neck. Now her grubby soles met like they were praying. Now his skin was glazed in roast pork sweat. Now she made a noise like a tortured Moomintroll. Now Tom Yew's body jerkjerked judderily jackknifed and a noise like a ripping cable tore out of him. Once more, like he'd been booted in the balls. Her fingernails'd sunk salmony welts into his arse. Debby Crombie's mouth made a perfect O.
The 23 best / worst Bad Sex in Fiction award winners 17. Winkler by Giles Coren (2005) And he came hard in her mouth and his dick jumped around and rattled on her teeth and he blacked out and she took his dick out of her mouth and lifted herself from his face and whipped the pillow away and he gasped and glugged at the air, and he came again so hard that his dick wrenched out of her hand and a shot of it hit him straight in the eye and stung like nothing he'd ever had in there, and he yelled with the pain, but the yell could have been anything, and as she grabbed at his dick, which was leaping around like a shower dropped in an empty bath, she scratched his back deeply with the nails of both hands and he shot three more times, in thick stripes on her chest. Like Zorro.
The 23 best / worst Bad Sex in Fiction award winners 18. Young Turk by Moris Farhi (2004) I am stretched out on a sofa. My beloved is determined to assess my age. She has an infallible method for doing so: the way they ascertain a tree's age: by counting the rings in its trunk. Consequently, she has my member in her mouth. Her lips are thick with lipstick. Starting from the base of my penis, her mouth ambles upwards. At each half-centimetre, her lips imprint a red ring around the shaft. She continues until she runs out of length. She counts the rings. On this occasion they add up to thirty-six. (An hour ago, the number had been forty-one.) She cuddles up to me. She coos. “Thirty-odd rings. What a mature oak in one so young!”
The 23 best / worst Bad Sex in Fiction award winners 19. I am Charlotte Simmons by Tom Wolfe (2004) Slither slither slither slither went the tongue, but the hand that was what she tried to concentrate on, the hand, since it has the entire terrain of her torso to explore and not just the otorhinolaryngological caverns - oh God, it was not just at the border where the flesh of the breast joins the pectoral sheath of the chest - no, the hand was cupping her entire right - Now! She must say “No, Hoyt” and talk to him like a dog. The fingers went under the elastic of the panties moan moan moan moan moan went Hoyt as he slithered slithered slithered slithered and caress caress caress caress went the fingers until they must be only eighths of inches from the border of her public hair - what's that! - Her panties were so wet down. There - the fingers had definitely reached the outer stand of the field of pubic hair and would soon plunge into the wet mess that was waiting right. There-there-
The 23 best / worst Bad Sex in Fiction award winners 20. The Crime Tsar by Nichola McAuliffe (2003) 'It's all right, I won't break,' she whispered. She felt him aware of his size and weight. His care not to hurt her. She moved to accommodate him and felt the blind probings before he slipped inside her. He was bigger than she had remembered. She tilted her hips and felt the weight of his balls on her... what? Small expanse of skin between vagina and anus. Perineum - was that it? Her mind screamed: Shut up, Lucy! You're not doing the Cosmopolitan crossword now.
The 23 best / worst Bad Sex in Fiction award winners 21. The Stranger at the Palazzo d'Oro by Paul Theroux (2003) The softness of her skin in the dark, far softer-seeming because of the dark, was irresistible. And the aroma of her lily-fragrant perfume mingled with the cat smell of her steaming cunt made me salivate and pant like a lion, my nose tormented by damp fur and hot blood. Still I could not tell where her soft skin ended and her silk began, and the complexity of her vaginal lips was like another elaborate silken garment she had put on for me to stroke. I adored the gleam of her body in the light from the streetlamps and the blistered moon... She knelt and worshipped my cock with her mouth and her gloved hands and she cried out louder than I did when I came, spattering her face as she licked.
The 23 best / worst Bad Sex in Fiction award winners 22. Bunker 13 by Aniruddha Bahal (2003) She's taking off her blouse. It's on the floor. Her breasts are placards for the endomorphically endowed. In spite of yourself a soft whistle of air escapes you. She's taking off her trousers now. They are a heap on the floor. Her panties are white and translucent. You can see the dark hair sticking to them inside. There's a design as well. You gasp. 'What's that?' you ask. You see a designer pussy. Hair razored and ordered in the shape of a swastika. The Aryan denominator. As your hands roam her back, her breasts, and trace the swastika on her mound you start feeling like an ancient Aryan warlord yourself.
The 23 best / worst Bad Sex in Fiction award winners 23. Starcrossed by AA Gill (1999) His tongue is long and hard and tastes of mint. We don't say anything, but he pushes me to my knees in the middle of the shop. It's difficult to undo his flies. I put my hand in. It's hot and damp, and then, Christ; it's amazing, huge. It just goes on and on, as thick as... "As a magnum? A jeroboam? A methuselah? A bitter pump?" "A fucking salami. Shut up, John."
Among men, the figures were 11.5 per cent, 9.1 per cent and 12.8 per cent.
Among both men and women who were married or living together, the odds of reporting sex 10 or more times in the past month were roughly halved.
Declines of this magnitude were not seen among single people, suggesting the trend towards lower sexual frequency overall is largely due to the decline among sexually active married or cohabiting couples, the authors said.
However, the data also show that half of all women (50.6 per cent) and almost two-thirds of men (64.3 per cent) said they would prefer to have sex more often, particularly those who were married or living together, which the authors said “merits concern”.
Lead author Professor Kaye Wellings said: “Several factors are likely to explain this decline, but one may be the sheer pace of modern life.
“It is interesting that those most affected are in mid-life, the group often referred to as the ‘U-bend’ or ‘sandwich’ generation.
“These are the cohorts of men and women who, having started their families at older ages than previous generations, are often juggling childcare, work and responsibilities to parents who are getting older.
Support free-thinking journalism and attend Independent events “What is important to well-being is not how often people have sex but whether it matters to them.
“More than half of the men and women taking part in the study said they’d prefer to have sex more often, which could partly stem from unfavourable comparisons with what they think is the norm.
“Most people believe that others have more regular sex than they do themselves.
“Many people are likely to find it reassuring that they are not out of line.”
In the research paper, the authors also suggested that gender equality “may now extend to the sexual sphere”.
They said: “Where women might previously have felt obliged to meet their partner’s sexual needs irrespective of their own, they might now be less inclined to do so.
“Most compelling among the explanations, perhaps, given the age and marital status of the people most affected, relates to the stress and ‘busyness’ of modern life, such that work, family life, and leisure are constantly juggled.
“Life in the digital age is considerably more complex than in previous eras, the boundary between the private space of home and the public world outside is blurred, and the internet offers considerable scope for diversion.”
Additional reporting by PA
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